


S3 E10 H.Con-172

by JDPostEpisodeChallenge, kcat1971, SeaDog11



Series: Josh & Donna Post Episode Challenge [64]
Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27362311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JDPostEpisodeChallenge/pseuds/JDPostEpisodeChallenge, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kcat1971/pseuds/kcat1971, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaDog11/pseuds/SeaDog11
Summary: Can they find the serenity to accept the things they cannot change, the courage to change the things they can, and the wisdom to know the difference?
Relationships: Josh Lyman/Donna Moss
Series: Josh & Donna Post Episode Challenge [64]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1087419
Comments: 173
Kudos: 112





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> A post ep written by SeaDog11 and Kcat1971. Chapters will be posted every other day.  
> Trigger warning: Eating disorder not otherwise specified

"What the hell were you doing taking his call?"

The words lash against her soul but she stands in front of his desk stoically with her head bowed, taking it, thinking about her past mistakes and how she brought this upon herself. She knew talking to Cliff would land her here. With Josh furious at her again, and just when it had felt like maybe, just maybe they were heading toward getting back to normal.

"At least Amy is a professional. She seemed to understand. She even kissed me. On the steps. In lightly falling snow. Very romantic. We're off to a great start."

The pain in her chest is palpable. So strong she takes a sharp intake of air, but he doesn’t notice. She wonders for a moment if she’s having a heart attack before she’s even turned 30.

"And I shouldn't even tell you this since you aren't senior staff, but I did work out a deal for Leo with the Republican Wonder Kid. I guess your sleeping with the enemy worked out for us after all, so good job."

Her heart shatters at his final words, leaving her numb and shaky. For a moment she thinks she might actually collapse. But somehow she remains standing, even though on the inside she’s not even trying to hold on to the pieces, letting them splinter into shards so tiny the only thing to do is to throw them away. 

"You can go home now. See you tomorrow." He dismisses her casually, not having really meant half of what he said, and not noticing the damage his words just inflicted.

She nods once as he picks up the phone, smiling to himself as he dials a number, a sure indication that this has nothing to do with work. Then she turns around and walks out of his office, as she goes, she hears the delight in his voice as his call goes through.

"Hey Amy…."

She doesn’t remember grabbing her purse, or walking to the Metro without her coat. She doesn’t remember the ride or letting herself into her apartment. She doesn’t remember standing in front of the refrigerator with no appetite and no idea when she last ate. She doesn’t remember falling into bed or laying there awake all night thinking about how she always makes a mess of everything, about how she’s never good enough, about how she alway falls short.

She doesn’t remember deciding that this time she’s not going to run away. She doesn’t remember deciding that it doesn’t matter how much it hurts, she's going to keep going back every day because at least she likes the job.

She doesn’t remember getting up out of bed in the morning, taking a shower and carefully applying concealer to the bags under her eyes. She doesn’t remember leaving the house without breakfast. She doesn’t remember how cold the walk to the Metro is without her coat.

All she knows is that she’s going to be the best assistant that she can be. She’s not going to give anyone a reason to fire her ever again. She’s going to make this work. Because she works at the White House. And that’s all she has left.


	2. One Month Later

*****One Month later*****

The day had gotten away from Josh. He’s late for his lunch with Amy, a reservation that he’s already had to have Donna move twice. 

He has a full afternoon of meetings ahead of him and he needs Donna to summarize all the memos. He knows he’s about to dump a load of work on her and he feels a little guilty about it. 

Josh lets out a heavy sigh as he leans against his office door, watching her as she works diligently in her small cubicle. Here he is, about to go off and have lunch with his girlfriend, while sacking Donna with an unrealistic amount of work. It really isn't fair. They’re supposed to be a team, but it hasn't felt like that in weeks. Not since Cliff, not since the diary, not since Amy. 

He misses their easy banter, their talks, lunches in his office. Hell, he just misses her. It really is that simple. As of late, their relationship can best be described as polite and professional. But it feels cold. Icy cold. He can feel Donna slipping away from him, keeping a noticeable amount of distance, and he absolutely hates it. 

At that moment he reaches a decision. He’ll cancel lunch with Amy, and spend the time with Donna to finish the memos. Maybe they can eat lunch together. It’s been ages since they'd sat in his office and done that. They can order from her favorite deli, and she can steal his fries, and he can pretend like he’s upset about it, and they can both laugh, recreating a glimmer of what they once had. 

With a grin, he makes his way out to the bullpen, keeping his eyes on Donna. As he watches her move about, he feels the now familiar ache that has taken up residence in his chest over these past few weeks. She seems off lately, not herself. Josh can’t quite put his finger on what it is, but it’s something. Before he can think more about it, he watches in trepidation as Donna blinks a few times, losing her balance and catching herself on the filing cabinet. There’s a small swoosh as Josh releases the breath he didn't even realize he was holding.

"Whoa there Gracie, you okay?" He tries to sound playful, to keep it light as he removes his hands from his pockets to still her, but she’s already backed away and sitting down.

"I'm fine," Donna responds quickly, trying to hide the shock that had been on her face a mere moment ago. As she schools her features, he recognizes her fake smile for what it is, but lets it go for now.

"K, good." If she doesn’t want to talk about it, then he won't. "I need a few memos combed through for this afternoon. Let's have lunch in my office and work on them together. You can, ya know, steal my fries." He bounces on his feet ever so slightly and gives her a dimpled grin.

"You're having lunch with Amy, Josh. I made the reservation for you."

"Yeah but I can cancel. I'm not dumping all those memos on you Donna, that's not fair. Come on, let me buy you lunch and we can tackle the work together.

"It wouldn’t be fair for you to ditch Amy, Josh," she responds quietly, ringing her fingers together. 

"But I'm concerned about you, Donna. You nearly fell over a few seconds ago. Are you sure you're feeling okay? You looked woozy."

"Woozy? What kind of word is woozy? Was that on the SAT?" She tries for misdirection, but Josh isn't buying it.

"Yeah, woozy. Are you really okay?" He wants to be relentless, to keep asking until he gets a real answer.

"I said I was okay. Really, I'm fine Josh," she responds emphatically. "Go eat with Amy. I know you want to, so go on, I’ll get this done. It’s no problem." 

It takes every ounce of his energy to keep from screaming that what he really wants is to spend time with Donna, to fix their friendship, but she seems determined that he keeps his lunch with Amy, and if that's what she wants, then he doesn't know what else to do.

"Kay. But if you need help, ask for it, please. I'll grab the memos. Start with the one for my meeting about HR-"

"HR 177, I know," she smiles. It was the first hint of a real smile he had seen in weeks. Of course she knew where to start. No one could manage his office like her.

"Thanks, I'll bring you back dessert."

"Not necessary," she quickly informs him.

"It's not a choice, Donnatella. You're getting dessert." 

OoOoOoOoOo

Donna throws herself into her work. It’s the only thing she has to focus on lately. She’s good at her job and she wants to make things easier for Josh. And in Donna's mind, leaving Josh alone in all manner other than work, is the best for him. When her personal life and her job intersected, it brought nothing but chaos. Cliff and the diary were glaring evidence of that.

She’s just started reading through the third memo when she sees them walk into the bullpen together. Josh is laughing at something Amy had said, her arm looped loosely through his as she steers them into his office. The visual is painful for Donna. She feels a deep pull in her chest, the painful one that ebbs and flows every day, always present. But today it's stronger, and Donna's reminded of that palpable chest pain from all those weeks ago, when Josh happily told her about Amy kissing him and the spite behind his words that was directed at her. And again Donna finds herself wondering for a moment what a heart attack feels like.

So Donna takes a deep breath to try to ease the pain and silently reminds herself that she is being ridiculous. She isn't having a heart attack, she’s just getting over a silly crush on her boss. Seeing Josh and Amy together might be painful, but it’s good for her. It reminds her that he’s way out of her league. Just look at the mess she had made of her congressional testimony. Sure, he’d stepped in and saved her but that didn’t mean everything was okay between them. She knows how he really feels about her. She’s stupid and untrustworthy. And anything good that happens is just pure luck. 

Between seeing Josh and Amy together, her internal pep talk, and her exhaustion, Donna feels a breakdown looming. Her eyes fill with tears she isn’t prepared to handle. She sits at her desk discreetly trying to wipe them away before they fall, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. 

Unfortunately, the few tears that escape are enough to unmask the dark circles that have taken up residence under her eyes. 

Miserable and concerned about being noticed, she turns to make her way out of her cubicle to head to the restroom, as soon as she thinks it’s safe. But she should have waited a moment longer. Donna's eyes lock with Josh's just as he’s closing the door to his office. 

Donna can’t quite read his expression. Guilt? Pity? She doesn’t want either. She just wants to stop feeling this way. To do a good job. To show him she could be valuable. She breaks eye contact with him and hurries down the hall, more anxious than ever.

Looking in the mirror, she admits to herself that it wasn't the best cover up job, the Mary Kay concealer that her Mom taught her to use just isn’t up to the task. But Donna does what she can to blend the dark circles with her skin tone, thinking maybe it’s time to spend a few extra dollars and spring for a better brand. Despite her effort, the lack of sleep still reflects in her complexion. Her once alabaster skin now mirrors more of a dullness. Dark circles or no dark circles, she looks exhausted. Sleep deprivation had absolutely caught up with her.

Settling back into her desk, Donna notices Josh's door is open revealing an empty office; a to-go box is perched on the corner of her desk. She isn’t at all surprised that he’d kept his word. He often did nice things for her. Just a few short months ago, they would have shared this in his office, working together and enjoying themselves. But she had ruined that. 

She has no desire to even open the box to see what he had brought.

Quietly, she places the finished memos on Josh's desk and returns to her cubicle, determined to finish the remainder of what he needed. Since work is the only thing she seems to be able to do right in her life, she’ll give it her all. Maybe by running his office like a swiss watch, Donna can redeem herself for the trouble she had put him through. 

The rest of the day is quiet. She limits their conversation to a discussion about his meetings on the hill. Their exchanges are professional and short and Donna hates it. But this is the dynamic of their relationship now, she reminds herself. She will never forgive herself for everything that happened with Cliff. And she knows that Josh will never look at her the same way again.

At the end of the day, Josh sends her home at 9pm. He could use her for another couple hours, but he can’t get the image of the dark circles under her eyes out of his mind. Hopefully she’ll get a good night’s sleep and they can get back to normal.

But when he opens the staff fridge for a bottle of water and sees the still sealed dessert box, his shoulders slump. If she won’t even accept a peace offering, what chance do they have?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've been persuaded to update daily this week.


	3. Two Days Later

*****Two Days Later*****

"Thanks for dinner J, too bad you don't want me to stay so we can have some fun." Amy's voice is full of mirth as she buttons her coat and straightens her white fluffy hat.

"Yeah, sure, anytime." Josh ignores her suggestive comment. Dinner had been all right for the most part. Amy mostly talked and he listened half heartedly, chipping into the conversation here and there. 

But at some point, the conversation had turned to bickering, not playful banter, just old fashioned arguing. It put a sour taste in Josh's mouth. He lost his appetite after that, and found himself aimlessly moving his orange chicken around the plate.

Now as she’s ready to leave, he places a chaste kiss on her lips and when Amy moves to deepen it, to show him what he’s missing, Josh finds himself recoiling. He steps back and gives her a lukewarm smile, then makes a weak joke about how the memo he had been trying to read all day from a prominent highway lobbyist group isn't going to read itself.

"Have fun with the Road Gang, J. I'm sure that makes for some interesting reading.” It’s the last thing she says before she winks and leaves his townhouse.

Josh shuts the door and leans against it, lightly banging his head in frustration. The truth is he doesn't have to read that memo, he just wants to be left alone. Donna has been on his mind all night, hell she has been on his mind more than ever lately. The still unopened dessert box from two days ago still sits in the staff fridge, a constant reminder that his peace offering hadn’t been accepted. The more time that passes the more Josh despairs of them ever finding their way back to what they had. And while if pressed, he couldn’t explain what exactly it was that they had, but he knows that he misses it terribly. 

Things with Amy had gone cold. Josh figures that by this point he should be into it, but at the end of the day their relationship just isn't clicking. Something doesn't feel right. Weeks ago, the idea of a sleepover would have enthralled him, but back then he had been ensorcelled. The spell has since worn off.

With a heavy sigh, Josh rubs his hands roughly against his face. He stills for a moment and takes a deep breath before pushing himself off the door and making his way over to the table to clean up. He tosses everything in the dishwasher and grabs a Heineken from the fridge. As he shuts the door, his eyes land on the one photo he keeps pinned up. He’s got his arm wrapped around Donna and they are both laughing hysterically, without a care in the world. The photo had been taken on the tail end of the campaign trail. At that moment, it occurs to Josh that it’s been a long time since he'd seen that smile. The thought causes a deep pang in his chest.

He rubs the pad of his thumb over the bottle cap of his beer while his other hand comes to rest delicately on the photo. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a distant memory makes itself known as the words effortlessly spill out of him:

“If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.”

  
  


*****The Next Day*****

Josh looks through the papers on his desk one last time to see if he can find the damn memo himself, even as he takes a deep breath to bellow for Donna.

He’s about to let loose, when he sees the corner of the light grey folder sticking out under a stack of olive green ones.

“Aha!” He mutters to himself, snatching it up and making his way towards his door with every intention of informing Donna of his impending victory.

When he gets to the doorway, he spots her in her cubicle, her back to him, bent over, filing papers in the lowest drawer. Just as he’s about to announce his great prowess, she jerks upright.

“Ouch, dammit!” She cries out softly, while grabbing at her side.

He starts forward but stops in fascinated horror as she yanks her sweater out of the way to examine the waistband of her skirt.

The fluorescent light flashes off the large metal safety pin holding together a large amount of material. He can see that it had popped open causing a deep scratch in her alabaster skin. The sight of her blood leaves him a little light headed but he rushes to her side.

“Donna! Are you okay?”

Startled, she jumps, turning toward him while shoving her top back into place. “I’m fine! Just a scratch.” 

“Let me see.” He insists, reaching for her. But she stumbles back, horrified at the thought of his hands on her. 

“NO!”

He has to admit, the vehemence of her refusal hurts him. She didn’t used to shrink away from his touch. He thought they were friends, but every day he feels like she’s slipping further and further away. Almost like she’s fading, right before his eyes, and he doesn’t know what to do.

But he does know that he’d never touch a woman without her consent. So he takes a step back himself, furthering the distance between them until he sees her relax a bit, his heart breaking as he does. He just wants to help her.

“You should go down to the medical office. Have someone clean that up and put a bandage on it. You don’t want it to get infected.”

He turns away to gather his coat so he can get to his meeting on the hill, but his heart isn’t in it. It just isn’t as much fun to storm the castle if it doesn’t impress Donna.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

*****The Following Day*****

Josh hurries into the West Wing lobby, eager to breakaway from the freezing January air. It had been nice catching up with Matt Skinner over lunch and discussing a bi-partisan agenda. Unfortunately, both men knew that with this current Congress, that's all it would ever be: just talk. Josh is dead certain that Matt is the only reasonable republican in Congress.

Matt made it no secret that he was fond of Donna, so of course he had asked how she was doing, and it absolutely pained Josh that he couldn't give Matt an answer. Because really, Josh had  _ no  _ idea how Donna was doing. But based on what he had noticed lately, it was a safe guess to say that something was going on. So being the operative that he was, Josh gave Matt the political answer, stating that Donna was busy keeping his office running like a well oiled machine. 

Josh pauses as he rounds the corner of the Operations bullpen. Donna’s at her desk, giving Ginger and Margaret her best fake smile. She’s been wearing it too much lately, and he hates that. 

Josh didn’t intend to listen in on Donna's conversation, respecting her privacy of course, but when he hears Ginger ask Donna if she was still seeing the guy that Ainsley set her up with, he freezes:

_ "No, I'm not seeing him anymore. We only went out twice." _ Donna's response is firm, making it absolutely clear that she wasn't seeing Cliff anymore. Josh lets out a long slow breath. And for a moment he feels ashamed, how could he doubt for even a minute that she wasn't telling him the truth about Cliff? It had been more than a month ago that she’d told him that it was over between the two of them and yet here he was worrying that maybe it wasn't. 

_ "Okay so then you must be seeing someone else, because why would you skip out on girls night three weeks in a row, Donna?" _ Ginger's tone is playful as she pushes, and again Josh finds himself holding his breath. Was Donna seeing someone? Why was she skipping her girls night every week?

_ "No. I'm not seeing anyone. I'm just really busy with work." _ Again, Josh feels inexplicable relief. But he’s confused. Why is Donna lying to them about work? Hell, with how Donna has been going above and beyond lately, they were actually ahead for once.

_ "What's wrong with Josh? He's overworking you. Leo and Toby aren't even making us stay late tonight." _ Ginger folds her arms and raises an eyebrow.

_ "It isn't Josh." _ Donna’s vehement response causes Josh to smile. It’s like a balm to his soul hearing her defend him like that. Maybe there is hope after all.

_ "I just want to get ahead on a few things. Josh's schedule next week is ridiculously overpacked," _ he hears her continue.

_ "That man is so lucky to have you," _ Margaret adds as they leave Donna's cubicle.

_ "Don't I know it," _ Josh thinks to himself as he sneaks off towards his office.

But once there, he spends most of the afternoon worrying about Donna. Every once in a while, he looks up from his desk to catch a glimpse of her, but she keeps her head down and eyes glued to the task at hand. It pains Josh Lyman to know that Donna Moss isn’t just isolating herself from him. It’s all of her friends.


	4. The Day After That

***** The Day After That*****

“Josh! I can’t find your notes on S.53! I’ve looked everywhere! Did you take them with you? I really need them. I’ve got to get them typed up so I can make sure you can review them before I give them to Margaret so that Leo has them!”

“Whoa, slow down. It’s okay.”

“Josh! This is important.”

“Wait. Are you back at the office?”

“I was about to get on the Metro and I remembered that I needed to type those notes. Do you know where they are? I’ve looked everywhere for them. I hope I haven’t lost them.”

“I thought you were going out to lunch with Margaret and the girls? When I left they were waiting for you.”

“Yeah, no, yeah. I told them I couldn’t. The job is more important. I really need to do this. Do you know where the notes are?”

“I’ve got them. You don’t have to do them today. It’s Saturday, live a little.”

“NO!” Her voice is desperate. “I really want to get this done. Otherwise I’m going to be thinking about it all weekend. And I’m going to feel behind. Can I come get them?”

He pauses for a moment, concerned about how on edge she seems, but deciding that ordering her to go home isn’t going to help her mental state, he responds softly. “I’m not home. I’m at Amy’s. I’ll bring them to you in half an hour.”

“Oh.” The word swooshes out of her as she loses her breath for a second. When she recovers her voice isn’t manic anymore, it’s coolly detached. “I’m so sorry to disturb you. This phone call was completely unprofessional. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of this first thing on Monday.”

She hangs up without another word and Josh stares at his phone for a minute. He’s never seen her quite like this and it's freaking him the hell out. What’s going on with her?

“Problem at the office?” Amy asks, studying him intently.

“Yeah, I guess. It’s Donna. I just don’t know . . . something weird is going on.”

“I could hear most of it.”

“She sounded weird, right? She’s not normally like that.”

“And you’re worried?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I don’t know her that well, so I can’t tell you if something is going on with her. Sounds like she’s dedicated to her job, J. It also sounds like she doesn’t have much of a social life. Regardless, it appears our afternoon is about to be cut short, but hey it was great spending almost a full half hour together. Thanks for the coffee.” There’s an edge to Amy’s voice as she settles on the couch and turns the tv on, no longer giving Josh her attention. 

Josh sighs in indignation. Why couldn’t Amy understand that this was important? He 's worried about Donna and clearly she needs the notes on S.53. It irritates him to no end that Amy doesn’t seem to grasp that Donna’s wellbeing is significant to him. He’s her boss! Of course he cares about her.

“Look, I shouldn’t be gone more than a few hours. I’ll call you when I’m done.”

“Sure,” she answers him a bit shortly, with a resigned shrug of her shoulders. And she doesn’t even bother to say goodbye or look at him as she continues flipping through the channels. 

And with that he walks out the door, not saying another word. 

. . . . . .

“Hey, I brought you the notes and I got us a sandwich and fries from Levine’s. It’s your favorite.” 

He gives her a disarming grin, and for a moment it feels like old times. “Also, I got here earlier than expected. I should get some points ya know, for time management.” Josh flashes Donna his dimples as he hands her the to go box, but she barely even smiles. 

“Thank you,” Donna replies, her tone polite, but distant. Josh deflates a bit, wondering what he’s doing wrong. He’s eager to try to make things better between them but he’s at a loss. None of his old tricks for charming her seem to be working.

“You’re welcome. I just figured that since you missed lunch with the girls, I should feed you. We can work together in my office while we eat.”

“That’s fine.” She quickly agrees, taking the notes and making her way into the office. Josh sighs, picking the food up off her desk where she left it.

Donna quickly settles herself into his chair and begins to type. He smiles a bit to himself as he takes a big bite of his half of the sandwich. He likes seeing her there. Someday, she really will be running an office of her own, with her own staff.

After a few minutes she looks up. “You know, you don’t have to stay. I can do this. You can go back to Amy’s.”

“I want to stay, Donna. Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine Josh.” She responds, still typing.

“Okay. You want some fries?”

She shakes her head as she continues to type. He’s oddly disappointed. He usually has to tell her not to take his fries, and now he can’t even give them away. His eyes fall to her half of the sandwich, still untouched.

“Okay, but eat something, will ya?”

She sighs deeply, stops and turns the chair toward him, slowly and deliberately picks up the sandwich and makes eye contact with him as she takes a bite. The sight shoots to his loins, how can that be the sexiest thing he’s seen all day? The feeling troubles him a bit, and he sits quietly for the next half hour. But while he sits, he tries to distract himself by figuring out what might be bothering her. When he lands on an idea, he takes a few minutes to try to figure out how to bring it up.

“So,” Josh begins, eager to break their silence. He pauses for a moment as Donna stops typing and swivels around to face him. He can’t help but look at her tired eyes, causing a pang in his chest. “You said earlier that you skipped girls night and then lunch today, is it a money thing? Did rent go up? I can help if-” 

Donna’s eyes flash, “I’m fine Josh. I can budget,” she snaps as she turns away from him feeling humiliated that he thinks that she can’t even manage her money. That he needs to take care of everything for her, no wonder he brought lunch. He must think she’s completely incompetent. 

“I know you can, I was just checking in.” He digs his foot into the floor and shoves his hands in his pockets, not sure what to do or say next.

“I’m sorry,” Donna offers quietly, ashamed at her outburst. "You're my boss and I shouldn't speak to you that way. Thanks again for coming in and for the lunch. I’m sorry I ruined your plans with Amy.” 

Josh’s stomach drops as she stands to collect her things. Even though the whole experience has been awkward, he wants to be with her. The reminder that she only wants to work together stings. He thought they were so much more than boss and assistant, at least they had been up until recently. But before Josh can respond, she’s out of his office and heading to her cubicle in the bullpen, leaving him standing there, still unsure of what to do next. 

As he watches her gather her coat and bag, he’s feeling more dejected about the state of their relationship than ever. It seemed like no matter what he does, the distance just continues to grow. 

He tries not to stare as she puts her coat on, but the material seems to swallow her as she stands there with her hands in her pockets. 

“See you Monday, Josh. Thanks again,” she offers, her voice cool and detached. 

“Are you okay getting home? Do you want me to drive you?” He holds out the smallest hope that she will say yes, but he isn’t surprised when she turns him down.

“Okay. Thanks for your hard work Donna.” He looks at her with expressive eyes, hoping that if his words can’t reach her, that maybe his eyes can. But she only gives him a faint smile as she walks out the door.

He wanders back into his own office, still puzzling over the changes in Donna over the last five weeks. He flops into his chair, stumped. As he picks up the phone to call Amy, his eyes fall on the clear to-go container in the trash and the sandwich with literally one bite out of it. 

The phone rings a couple times before Amy answered with a breezy, “hey J.”

“So, we’re done here. I’m getting ready to head back over.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

“No?” Just what he needed, two women upset with him.

“No. You know, J, you might not be dating your assistant, but you should, because you are head over heels for her.”

“Amy, it’s not like that . . .” Josh starts defensively, not wanting to examine how he truly feels, but Amy interrupts.

"It's _exactly_ like that, J. Really, it is. I know you. For God's sake when I asked you if you were dating her you said no b _ecause_ she's your assistant. I probably shouldn't have gotten involved with you to begin with. You’ve got some misplaced moral compass that’s telling you that you can’t like her because she’s your subordinate. But you do like her. And she really likes you too.” 

“Not right now she doesn’t.”

“Gee, I wonder why.”

“Why?”

“Well, I’m sure dating someone else doesn’t help.”

“I don’t think that’s it.”

“I disagree. I think that it is very much a part of this messy picture and I’m going to help you find out. I’m not upset, but this isn’t working for me Josh. I don’t play second fiddle to anyone. Especially not assistants that you don’t think you can date. Figure it out with her. And maybe I’ll see you around sometime.”

Amy hangs up before Josh can get another word in. You really can’t tell that he’s a powerful man from the way the women in his life treat him. So he calls Sam. Maybe some beer and a burger will bring some clarity. 


	5. Later that Night

Donna continues to scrub roughly at the already clean stove top burner in her little kitchen. It ‘s the third time that night she’s wiped down the kitchen appliances, but she doesn’t know what else to do with her frustration and cleaning always seems to help. But for some reason, the past four hours of washing, sweeping, dusting, and scrubbing has done nothing to ebb her feelings.

She’s angry with herself. She screwed up his afternoon plans with Amy. Her phone call and outburst over the S. 53 notes had been wildly unprofessional. Clearly Josh is trying to have a personal life and he’s obviously happy with Amy. He had made that abundantly clear when he mentioned their first kiss. The memory only makes her scrub harder at the ceramic-glass blend cooktop. All she wants to do is focus on her job and be valuable, but she couldn’t even remember to ask Josh for the S. 53 notes before he left earlier today. Instead of being helpful she had been a burden. 

But Donna isn’t just angry with herself, she’s angry with Josh too. Why was he treating her like she was a child today? What business was it of his if she ate lunch or not or if she went out with the other assistants? His questions about her finances remind Donna of her college years when her father would call to check in to see if she needed help with money. The comparison doesn’t sit well and only pushes her to scrub harder. She feels a tear forming in her worn out rubber gloves around her pinky finger.

And she certainly wasn’t going to accept his offer for a ride home. She had already kept him from Amy all afternoon so she was dead set against taking up anymore of his time. No. She would walk or take the Metro, she had no business being in Josh’s car. All she was to him was his assistant and assistant’s don’t get rides home from their boss. And besides, it would look bad if a photographer saw him dropping her off, and she had already caused enough trouble. 

Again, Donna finds herself scrubbing harder as she replays the events from earlier today in her head. Eventually, she feels the sponge break in half, causing her to pause. 

Debating whether or not to get a glass of ice water, her eyes drift to the refrigerator, and her heart sinks when she sees the sole photograph proudly displayed with a magnet: it’s her and Josh with toothy grins dancing much too close for boss and assistant at an inaugural ball. Just a moment’s look at the image turns Donna’s feelings of anger into sadness. She loves Josh but she’s convinced that she means nothing to him. Their relationship is beyond repair and he has Amy now anyway. She’s his equal. The picture is a reminder of happier times, and after all her blunders, she doesn't think she deserves to display it on the fridge. With a moment of clarity, she decides that she no longer has a right to have any reminders of Josh in her apartment, and besides, it is just too painful. 

With a heavy sigh, she discards her gloves and takes the photo of the fridge. She tries her best to not look at it one more time, but fails. Her eyes fall on his dimpled smile and the way his eyes look like they're on the verge of uncontrollable laughter. "Be mature Donna, you're a grown woman, stop getting emotional over a damn photo of you and Josh, he probably doesn't even remember that night. You're making more out of it than it was," Donna chastises herself as she tucks the photo into the back of her sweatpants to keep it from getting creases. With a little too much force, she opens a kitchen cabinet and grabs her well loved Bartlet for America coffee mug before heading to her bedroom. 

She finds a good sized cardboard box and dumps the summer clothes out of it, she'd find a home for those later. Carefully, she puts the mug and photo in the box and then takes a moment to look around her room, her eyes zeroing in on a few specific things. She starts at her dresser, removing the Bartlet for America campaign badge that has been hanging off the corner of her mirror for years. She begs herself not to look too closely at it, to not let the memories wash over her. "Focus Donna, just stick to the task," she tells herself as she opens her dresser, grabbing first a gray and then a crimson colored t-shirt, taking her time to fold them nicely. She holds on to the soft, well worn items for just a moment longer than she would like to admit, then adds them to the box.

Moving to the window, she removes the dried out roses and gently places the bouquet in the box, carefully covering it with one of the shirts. "He only got you those as a joke about your "anniversary", nothing more, don't dwell," she reminds herself. But she knows that even though she's not important to him anymore, that she's just his assistant, that she still wouldn't stop for red lights. 

Donna pauses as she looks at the last item that needs to go in the box. It's sitting in its home on her nightstand. With hesitation, she walks over to her bed and sits, feeling more heartbroken and defeated than ever. It just feels so permanent to box these items up and the pain is unbearable.

Donna carefully picks up the  Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing , and runs her hand reverently over the cover.  _ "I'll read the inscription just one more time and then I will put it in the box," _ she compromises with herself as she climbs under the covers.

So like she does every night when she's crying herself to sleep, Donna reads the inscription, but this time she's hanging on every word, even though she's already committed his inscription to memory. But as she reads his words, her tears begin to fall and her chest constricts violently. She lets out a sob and looks at the box in the corner of the room.

She just isn't ready to put the book in there yet.

As she cries, Donna turns off her bedside light, her eyes burning from the hot tears and exhaustion. She knows she will wake up in a few hours, maybe she will have the courage then to put her most valued, well loved possession in the box, but for now, her heart is just too broken to fathom it.


	6. Two Days After That

*****Two Days Later*****

“Joshua.”

Abbey Bartlet’s soft voice causes Josh to sit up straight, then jump to his feet. “Yes, ma’am.”

He half-heartedly attempts to arrange his desk as he stands there, but she passes through the side door, towards the door to the bullpen, then stands there quietly looking out.

He’s perplexed. Is she spying on someone?

“Ma’am?” He questions coming around to see what she’s looking at.

“Josh, where’s Donna?”

“Donna?”

He feels like he’s a step behind in this conversation. Why is Mrs. B. looking for Donna? His heart rate starts to gallop, is something wrong?

“She went to pick up lunch.”

“Hmmmm.” Abbey responds vaguely, then gestures for Josh to take his seat, while planting herself in a visitor’s chair.

“Josh, what’s going on with Donna?”

“I don’t. . .” He starts to explain that he doesn’t know, but stops when Abbey lifts an eyebrow. “I’m not sure. But she’s not acting normal. She’s very skittish. She barely eats anything. I don’t think she’s sleeping. And last week she got woozy!”

“Woozy?”

“It’s a word! I thought she was going to pass out. She was unsteady on her feet. She had to hold on to a cabinet.”

Mrs. Bartlet purses her lips and sighs deeply.

“Do you know something I don’t know?” Josh demands.”Why’d you come here? What’s going on?”

If Leo or Jed heard him use that tone with the First Lady, they’d rake him over the coals, but Mrs. Bartlet just smirks. This only confirms what she’s suspected for a while. Josh Lyman cares very deeply for his assistant. 

“I don’t know her very well, Josh. I just noticed that it looks like she’s lost some weight recently. And her light doesn’t seem to be shining as brightly as it once did.”

“Yeah.” Josh agrees glumly. “It’s like she’s in overdrive all the time. She’s trying to prove something. Not taking a lunch break, coming in on the weekend, not going out with her friends.”

“Have you tried to talk to her?”

“Yes! I’ve been trying to figure out what the problem is. I asked her if it was financial and she bit my head off.”

“Do you believe her?”

“Yeah, she’s always teasing about a raise. I think if she really needed one she’d tell me.”

“Okay.”

“What else could it be?”

“Well, given the weight loss, pallor, and dizziness, she could be anemic, which could be caused by any number of things, illness, pregnancy, . . “

“PREGNANCY!?” He repeats in a high pitched voice.

Mrs. B looks at him again, appraisingly, and his face turns red when she asks- “Is that a possibility?”

“I don’t think so. She hasn’t been seeing anyone for a few months.” Then it hits him, what Mrs. Bartlet might be suggesting. He drops his voice. “Ma’am, I assure you that if that turns out to be the case, there is absolutely no possibility that I had anything to do with it.”

“Pity.” She smirks, while his mouth mimics Gail’s. It’s so much fun to leave Josh Lyman speechless.

“Anyway,” she continues, “there are lots of possible causes for her symptoms. It might be nothing more than a broken heart. But let’s keep an eye on things, shall we? I’m a bit worried about her.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” He agrees as the FIrst Lady stands up and sweeps out of his office, leaving him to try to sort the jumbling thoughts running through his head.

*****The Next Day*****

He stands in the doorway by his office watching her work. He’s taken to evaluating her several times a day. He usually gets away with it, but sometimes she catches him.

“Why are you staring at me?” She huffs, moving past him to put some papers in his in-box.

“I’m not . . . I was just . . .”

“Yes. You were. What gives?” For a moment it feels like the banter that they used to fling back and forth, and he’s about to respond in kind, but then her tone shifts-- “did I do something wrong?” 

She’s looking at him with big eyes that seem to fill her face and he’s struck by the depth of his concern. Which is probably why he dives into the deep end.

“No . . . it’s just . . . how are you? We hardly talk these days.”

“We talk plenty, Josh.”

“Not about anything important. Is everything okay? Are you feeling okay? How’s the Republican Boy Wonder?” Even though he heard her tell Ginger and Margaret that it was over after two dates, he can't help himself, he wants to hear her say it..

Her back straightens so abruptly he thinks she might snap in half. “Do you mean Cliff?” It comes out almost like a hiss.

“Um, yeah . . .”

“Oh my god. I’m not seeing him! It’s over. I paid the price. I don’t want an _ ything to _ do with him.”

The way she says anything has him thinking of his meeting with Abbey Barlet, which is probably why he continues down the path of doom.

“Uh, is that going to be possible? I mean, is there a reason he might be in your life, something that would tie you to him forever?”

She looks puzzled, like she really doesn’t know what he’s getting at. And he stands there debating whether to come right out and ask.

Finally, wearily, she asks, "What are you saying Josh?" 

"Uh... I mean.... there's no chance you're um ... expecting?"

He’s never seen anyone turn that pale before. It’s like all the color completely drained from her face. Her eyes widen in unexpected shock. And he instantly regrets having asked the question. The problem is he still has no clue what the answer might be.

She steadies herself with a hand against her desk, mind reeling with the implication of his question. It’s utterly and completely inappropriate for him to ask. She could file a harassment claim. 

But his eyes are kind. He really does seem worried. And in her heart of hearts she knows that he’s not asking out of malice. So she takes a deep breath.

“I don’t ever want to talk about this again.” She informs him crisply. “There is absolutely no possibility that I am pregnant.” The blood rushes to her cheeks, two red splotches in stark contrast to her pallor. “I only slept with him once. We used protection. I’ve had my period three times since then. And I haven’t been with anyone else.” 

Then she rushes out of the bullpen towards the ladies bathroom down the hall.

Josh stands there looking after her, feeling like a total jerk for asking. He knows it was out of line, but the question had been bothering him ever since he talked about it with Abbey. It used to be that they could talk about things like that. No, he corrects himself. He used to tease her about her love life and she took it. But all that changed a couple months ago. He still doesn’t know exactly what the problem is, but at least he can cross one thing off his list.


	7. A Week After That

*****Monday, a week later*****

Josh sighs and rubs his temple before bellowing for Donna. He waits approximately 2.3 seconds before getting up and rushing towards the door. Just as he gets to it, Donna flings it open just about smacking him in the face.

“You know…” Josh gives her a look.

“I was coming.” She answers softly.

“You were taking your time.” He snarks.

“I don't have warp speed.” She snarks back, reverting back just a bit of how it used to be.

“Do you remember Jennifer Flender, the daughter of the mom and pop who have

the tackle shop?”

“Mack and Roberta Flender.”

“Yes.”

“The Flenders.”

“The daughter just e-mailed me and told me her parents are voting for Ritchie.”

Oh my god. A thought occurs to her that might just be the worst thing she ever considered.

“You didn’t sleep with the Flender girl, did you?”

Josh gives her a look of complete derision. “She’s twenty years old.”

Donna’s relieved. Of course he didn’t. But she can’t let him know she seriously wondered for a moment, so she keeps teasing him a bit. He smiles the whole time and it actually feels nice.

But then he’s handing her a piece of paper, telling her to make the phone call. She’s secretly thrilled to be given a real job but she asks anyway, “Why me?”

“They liked you. They took you in, they fed you.”

“You make me sound pathetic.”

“You were pretty pathetic, and the Fenders fed you.”

Her heart sinks. Right. He’s always thought she was pathetic. Why does it matter so much to her what he thinks? But still, she’s been given a task and she’s going to do it to the best of her ability.

That’s when she remembers that she can’t do this from the White House. The Hatch Act prohibits her from using her office or official resources for campaign calls.

Josh gets a gleam in his eye and immediately she knows what he’s going to suggest.

“Cell phone, Lafayette Park, and a warm coat.”

His coat is warmer than hers so she grabs it on her way out of his office.

Forty-five minutes later she comes back into the bullpen.

“How’d it go?” Josh asks standing and following her to the coffee pot. He can’t help but notice how tiny she looks with his coat wrapped around her.

“They aren’t voting for us.”

Donna tries to remember everything the Flenders just explained but it’s hard to concentrate. Her head is pounding a little.

“It’s so warm in here.” She murmurs as she sips at the coffee slowly.

“All right. If Canada's making cheaper pulp, then New Hampshire has to diversify. That's why the President has allocated five hundred million dollars for trade adjustment

Assistance. That's why - write this down.” Josh instructs and she dutifully grabs a pink notepad to take the dictation. “That's why he's tripled small business start-up loans. That's why he's balancing the budget. Go.”

She doesn’t really want to leave the warmth of the office, but she really does want to impress Josh by convincing the Flenders, so she puts the unfinished coffee down and hurries out, still shivering.

A half an hour later she’s back. Now she’s gotta tell him about the sales tax proposal, and the salmon, and privatizing social security.

He rants at her for a few minutes, and she enjoys seeing him worked up. What the hell is wrong with her that seeing him like this is a huge turn on? She’s got to get a grip on herself.

He grabs a binder off the shelf and hands it to her, but instead of giving her more ammunition, he says the thing that’s been floating around in his brain all night.

“Why are you wearing my coat?”

“It's warmer than my coat.”

He likes it on her. He can’t really understand why, but it does something seeing her like that, wrapped up in something that is his. But he shakes off the weird feeling, trying to keep focused on Hartsfield’s Landing, so he doesn’t think about China and Taiwan.

“Okay. Go.”

She’s gone again for another 40 minutes, and as Leo’s words sink in Josh realizes he’s got to go out there and call her off and let the chips fall where they may.

As he exits the White House gate he sees her pacing back and forth, trying to convince the Flenders point by point. She’s amazing.

Finally she notices him. “Hold on a minute,” she says to the Flenders, burying the phone in his coat, then speaking directly to him. “You know, I've kind of had it now, too: they're shocked and appalled and disappointed but really, they're none of those things, they just wish they were. So, never miss an opportunity to feel morally superior... I don't know. What do you want me to do now?”

“Let them vote.”

“What does that mean?”

“I came out here to tell you to let them vote.”

Donna stares at him. Josh takes the cell phone away from her, and then he makes nice with the Flenders. Acting like it’s all no big deal and promising to look into some of their issues.

And she realizes it really is no big deal. This is just the primary. The vote in Hartsfield’s Landing isn’t going to actually affect the outcome of the Presidential election. It’s just going to be a silly talking point for a few hours that will quickly be forgotten.

She feels kind of stupid for freezing her ass off just to try to impress Josh over something that doesn’t matter, but for just a bit they felt like their old selves. She kind of wishes it didn’t make her feel so good. 

“God, it’s freezing out here.” Josh complains as he ushers her back through the gate.

She kind of wants to smack him, until they get back to the bullpen and just before he goes back into his office he looks her right in the eyes and says--

“Good job out there. I can always count on you. I’m going to be here a while, but you can head home. Take my coat if you want, just bring it back tomorrow.”


	8. Three Days Later

*****THURSDAY*****

It’s frigid as he walks in to work but his coat is warm and it doesn’t really bother him. He’s still in a good mood from not only winning the New Hampshire Primary, but also getting more votes than Richie in Hartsfield’s Landing. He joivally greets Larry, who is sitting at the guard desk like always. He wishes that Donna was there to welcome him the moment he’s through security. Things have been moving back towards normal with them and that’s one of the things he’s missed over the last few months.

He heads towards the bullpen, considering how to tease her about it, but stops a little short as he sees her at her desk still wrapped in her coat. He kicks himself a little for insisting Monday night that she return his coat the next day. The weather has been terrible this week, she’d be better off if she’d kept it. He could have driven.

When he presents himself in front of her desk, she looks up. Her nose is red and her eyes are glassy. Involuntarily he takes a step back.

“Oh good. You’re here.” She mumbles, handing him a folder. “Don’t take off your coat. Leo wants you on the hill, pronto.” She pauses, closing her eyes for a moment, as if the effort of giving him Leo’s instructions was exhausting.

He takes a step forward, wondering for a moment if she’s conscious. But she opens her eyes again. “Go!!” she tells him forcefully “Leo said to call him on the way.”

Having learned the hard way that it’s never that good of an idea to argue with either Leo or Donna, he turns on his heel and heads back the way he came.

As he walks, he flips his phone open, but when the switchboard operator answers, instead of asking for Leo, inexplicably, he requests the First Lady.

“Josh?” She answers in confusion. It truly is unprecedented for him to call her directly rather than dealing with her Chief of Staff.

“Dr. Bartlet. I need a favor.”

Something about his voice tugs at Abbey Bartlet’s heart. She’s had a soft spot for Josh for quite some time now, especially when he sounds like a little boy rather than an arrogant jackass. Come to think of it, she generally has a soft spot for arrogant jackasses.

“What is it?”

“This is… I don’t know… I know I shouldn’t really ask this …”

“Spit it out, Joshua.”

“Would you please check up on Donna? Leo is sending me to the hill today and when I left Donna didn’t look so good. I think she might be coming down with something.”

**. . . . . .**

Several hours later, when the meetings are over, Josh calls Leo from the cab on the way back to the White House.

“Yeah?”

“It’s done.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, then. Good job.”

“Thanks.”

“Oh hey, I’ve been instructed to tell you to report directly to the East Wing when you get back here. Abbey wants to see you. You piss her off?”

“No! I don’t think so.” Josh tries to rack his brain for any problems with the First Lady’s agenda, but nothing comes to mind. Then his stomach sinks. “I asked her to check on Donna earlier. It seemed like she might be coming down with something.”

“You asked the  _ First Lady _ to check on your assistant?” Leo repeats incredulously before letting out a long sigh. “Why am I not surprised? Fine. When you get back go straight to the East Wing, and then do whatever she says.”

“Thanks, Leo.”

Josh only has to worry for a few more minutes before he finds himself buzzing to get into the First Lady’s offices. The Secretary takes one look at him and sends him into Abbey.

“Oh good, Josh, you’re back.”

“How is she, Abbey?” He asks a bit desperately, causing Mrs. Bartlet to smirk. If this little crisis doesn’t move that relationship along, she might have to intervene. It’s about time these kids see what’s right in front of their faces.

“She has influenza. She was running a fever, so we gave her some medication and I had a steward drive her home. She needs rest and fluids. She should be better in a couple days.”

“She’s home alone?” He questions in a high voice. “Is that a good idea?” 

“It’s not ideal. But Donna doesn’t have a roommate anymore, and she doesn’t have any family in DC.” Abbey lets her voice trail off a little, watching for Josh’s reaction.

“We’re her family! She practically moved in with me after Rosslyn,” Josh declares adamantly, causing Abbey’s smirk to turn to a smile. “I should go over there. Don’t you think?” He finally asks.

“Yes, Josh. I think that would be a good idea.”

“Leo told me to do whatever you said.”

“Well, in that case, Joshua- I’m telling you, go take care of that young lady.”

He immediately turns to leave, but she calls him back. “Josh! Do you know how to take care of someone?”

He looks a little embarrassed, but she gives a little chuckle. “Follow the directions on the fever reducer. Get her to drink as much fluids as possible, and just make her comfortable so she can rest. And you need to wash your hands a lot. She’s contagious.”

“Ah-kay.” He agrees, striding out of the room with a new purpose.

**O0o0o0o0o0o0oo**

Josh quickly hands the cab driver more than enough cash for the fare. He doesn't have time to stop and count the bills in his wallet, he's just anxious to get to Donna. Mrs. B had sounded calm and collected when she said that Donna was sick, but Josh could see that below the surface she was hiding her concern for his sake.

He takes the stairs to her apartment two at a time. With his key in hand, he quietly opens her front door. It's been awhile since he's been to Donna's little home, but he's always loved being here. Something about it is calm and relaxing, and that something, he's pretty sure, is Donna's presence. There had been more times than he could count when he found himself laying on her couch after a stressful day, and she would always make it better, even if it was just sharing a beer and sitting quietly with him. He really just wants their friendship back to what it was. Life just isn't as good without her.


	9. The Same Day, Early Evening

Josh’s heart constricts painfully as he walks into Donna’s living room and sees her laying on the couch, her skin as white as a sheet and her hair plastered over her forehead and tangled. She's fast asleep, but it is by no means a peaceful rest. Even in sickness, she's still the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on.

Josh hears her whimper as she thrashes and he's immediately at her side. The dark circles under her eyes stand out against her skin, and they're deeper than they were a few weeks ago. If they were in a good place, if he knew the lack of sleep was solely from work related reasons, then he would probably make a joke and tell her she had a mask like a raccoon. But they weren't in a good place and her dark circles were a symptom of something serious.

He's never seen her this sick. A cold? Sure. But the full blown flu? No. In fact, Donna had never missed a day at the White House. Sitting down on the coffee table, Josh is suddenly overcome with guilt.  _ “It was too cold Monday, and I told her to go outside, and now she's sick and it's my fault,” _ He thinks to himself. He shudders when he remembers her saying that his jacket was warmer than hers, and he had questioned her in the moment about wearing his jacket! What if she had worn hers instead? She could have the flu AND pneumonia! This is unacceptable. His thoughts begin to unravel as his anxiety creeps in, but he reigns them in by deciding that he’s definitely buying her a new coat. 

The couch doesn't look comfortable and he's worried that with all her thrashing, she might fall off. Reminding himself that action is the antidote to anxiety, Josh walks into Donna's bedroom and turns down her bed, and as he fluffs her pillows, he's overwhelmed in the best possible way by her scent. He thinks about how good it would feel to hold her in his arms and bury his face in the crook of her neck. The thought makes his heart pound, but he dismisses it as he's determined to get her into her bed and more comfortable. Before leaving her room, he draws her shades closed, hoping it helps her sleep.

Walking back to the couch where Donna lays motionless, Josh focuses on the rise and fall of her chest as he removes his tie and pushes up his sleeves. He pulls back the sheet and carefully picks her up. He's never done this before, but he knows instantly that he loves the feel of her in his arms like this. But it isn't lost on him that her body feels light, it really seems like there's nothing to her.

After navigating the hall, he sets her down easily on her bed, lifting her lower legs to get her completely under the bed sheet. She feels very warm and he quickly decides that the tattered Brewers sweatshirt she’s wearing definitely needs to come off, it's too hot. Doing his best to not wake her, he gently pulls the sweatshirt up and over her head, but as he looks down, he's horrified at the image in front of him. The sweatshirt falls from his hands as he stares at her bare stomach where her t-shirt has ridden up. Donna’s ribs are protruding from her pale, concave stomach and he knows immediately that the situation is much more severe than he ever imagined.

His hand flies to his mouth as he turns around. He thinks he might be sick. When did she lose this much weight and how the hell did he miss it!? Then it occurs to him that he didn't miss it. It happened right in front of him. He knew she had been isolating herself and not eating for weeks. Why didn't he push harder for answers?!  _ "Damnit!"  _ He admonishes himself. He paces for a moment, his hands clasped behind his head feeling a panic attack coming on. 

He's utterly ashamed but he knows he needs to keep it together . . . for her. 

Taking a shaky breath, Josh walks back to her bed, his eyes wandering from her face to back her ribs. “I’m so sorry Donna, so sorry,” he whispers the words as he carefully pulls her shirt down to cover her stomach. He’s failed her these past several months, absolutely failed her. 

But he’s going to be here for her now, from this point forward. He’s going to take care of her and help her get better, just like she did for him after Rosslyn, and then again that Christmas. 

After pacing a bit more, he has his idea. Josh makes his way to the kitchen. He picks up the chicken noodle soup that he brought from the office and decides to stick it in the fridge, she can eat it when she feels up to it. But he's dejected when he opens the door. Except for a few mixed berry yogurts and a small carton of eggs, there is no food in Donna’s fridge. Josh feels his heart pound as another wave of anxiety crashes through him. He leans his head against the freezer, giving himself a moment to calm down. As scared as he is about her wellbeing, Josh knows that the best thing he can do right now is take care of her, and worrying about the contents of her fridge isn't doing that. Reaching into his pocket he flips open his phone and hits speed dial five.

“Sam! It’s me. I need your help. I’m at Donna’s and she’s sick,and there’s like no food here. Can you bring sick person stuff-- you know soups and gatorade and crackers and whatever?”

While Sam’s assuring him that he’ll take care of it, Josh looks in the freezer. There’s only once ice pack. They probably need more.

“Yeah, Sam . . .” He cuts him off mid-sentence, “And some medicine too. You know that stuff that helps with the Flu? Do you need a doctor for that? Can you get it?”

Sam promises to take care of everything, so Josh finishes the call, anxious to get back to Donna.

“Thanks Sam, gotta go.” He quickly flips the phone shut and immediately dives into his task.

He turns on the faucet and while he waits for the water to get as cold as possible, he opens the drawer with plastic baggies and then goes to the hall closet to grab some wash clothes. Sticking the homemade ice packs in the freezer, Josh makes a mental note to call his mom and thank her for showing him that trick. 

Grabbing the frozen pack from the freezer, he walks back to Donna’s room and sits on the edge of her bed. Gently, he places his hand to her forehead. She's burning up. 

"Mmm." The humming falls from her mouth as she sleeps, and it strikes Josh that his cool hand is giving her relief. The homemade ice packs will work wonders.

Slowly, he moves the ice pack from her forehead to her cheeks and then to her neck. For fifteen minutes he stays like that, continuing his motions as he silently wills her fever to break. Eventually, the ice pack turns warm and Donna's body has stilled, appearing to find some comfort while she sleeps. 

Satisfied that her body has cooled slightly and that she’s more comfortable, Josh quietly makes his way back to the living room.


	10. That Night

He needs to call Mrs. Bartlet. After Rosslyn, she had told him that the White House Switchboard had been instructed to put all of Josh’s calls through to the First Lady's office immediately. Not once had he ever felt the need to call with any medical questions or emergencies, but now that Donna was sick, he’s calling. No question about it.

"Good afternoon, White House Switchboard."

"Hi this is Josh Lyman. Can you put me through to the First Lady's Office, please?"

"One moment Mr. Lyman …"

“Joshua, how’s our patient?” Abbey Bartlet’s voice comes through the phone about fifteen seconds later. 

“Hi Mrs. B. Not good. Not good at all. She’s . . .” His voice trails off, he doesn’t even know where to begin. He stops pacing for a moment to run his hand roughly over his face and through his hair.

“Take a deep breath Josh.” Her voice is stern yet calm. He does as she asks, and his anxiety is slightly reduced.

“Now I suspect that your concern isn’t just about the flu and I understand how hard it is to watch someone you care about struggle. But Josh? We need her to feel better before we can address the bigger issue, okay?”

“Yes Ma’am.” And Josh knows she’s right. The immediate concern is Donna’s fever.

“She needs lots of rest and plenty of fluids.” Abbey reminds him.

“She’s asleep in her bed and Sam is getting everything she needs.”

“That’s a good start. Can you get her temperature? Just put a thermometer in her armpit. You can get an oral reading once she wakes up.”

“Okay, just a minute Mrs. B.” He’s already hustling down the hall to her bathroom, where he knows the thermometer is sitting in the first aid kit in the bottom drawer.

Her t-shirt is big enough for the thermometer to slide into her sleeve. He’s impatient during the temperature reading, tapping his foot persistently on the hardwood and willing the final number to appear. At the sound of three beeps, he carefully withdraws the plastic and looks at the number. 

“102.8, and that’s after an ice pack!” The words barely escape him and he’s finding it difficult to swallow as he again feels his panic begin to creep back up.

“Yeah, okay that’s higher than I would have thought, given the medication she had before she left here. It is concerning, but let’s not panic yet. If she goes over 103, then I want you to call me immediately, but for now, keep giving her medicine every four to six hours, apply the cold compresses, and check her temp every few hours.”

“Yeah. Thanks Ma’am.” He’s still struggling to get his words out and hates that there isn’t anything else he can do.

“Anytime. And Josh?”

“Mmm?”

“She’s going to be okay. It’s just the flu.”

Josh almost blurts out that it’s not just the flu, but this isn’t the time to deal with everything. Right now he needs to focus on her fever, and figure out what’s next. He thanks the First Lady again before ending the call. 

Just then he hears Donna moaning from the bedroom. He grabs one of his homemade ice packs, well really just a frozen washcloth, and quickly heads back in there. She’s tossing and turning and muttering under her breath. “Not good enough. . . . Not professional.. . . . Not . . .” 

Her words prick his conscience and his heart sinks to hear her talk like that. There’s definitely more going on here than just the flu, and he fully intends to get to the bottom of it.

He places the washcloth to her forehead, it must be comforting, because her fevered words fall away as she goes back to a peaceful sleep. He’s not sure how much time passes, but at some point, Josh hears a quiet knock. He leaves the damp washcloth against Donna’s neck and quickly heads back to the front door and looks through the spy hole to see Sam holding a few bags.

“Thanks man.” 

“Anytime. Is she okay?” Josh hears the concern in Sam’s voice. He knows Donna never misses work.

“She’s pretty sick with the flu, but she’s gonna be okay. I talked to Mrs. Bartlet and she gave me some instructions.” He’s reassuring Sam just as much as he’s reassuring himself. 

“Well Donna’s in good hands then. If you need anything, I’m just a phone call away buddy.”

“Thanks.” Josh smiles at his best friend and Sam returns the gesture as he clasps his hand to Josh’s shoulder, giving it a subtle shake. 

Josh locks the door after Sam leaves and makes his way to the kitchen with the groceries. Just the simple act of filling Donna’s fridge makes him feel better. He’s made it his personal mission to make sure that it’s never empty again . . . that she never feels  _ this _ way again.

The last thing he needs to do is call Leo, because there is no way he’s going into work tomorrow. He’s right where he needs to be.

………….

He’s been sitting in the small, fabric covered chair in Donna’s room long enough for the sun to set. He’s been vigilant about the homemade ice packs. At one point, she had woken up and looked at him, but he could see in her eyes that she was confused. She had called out his name, but with her fever, he was pretty confident that she wasn’t aware of what was going on and wouldn’t remember the moment. He had been able to get her to take a few sips of ginger ale and to give her the liquid fever reducer that Sam had brought. After she had fallen back asleep, Josh took her temperature and it had gone down to 101.7. It was still high, but certainly trending in the right direction. 

The ache in his back from sitting in the small chair finally becomes painful enough for Josh to stand up, but he forgets all about his pain though, when he takes Donna’s temperature again and sees how well the medication is working. Donna’s fever had fallen to 101.3, relieving him of some of the anxiety coursing through his body. 

With the medication working, he feels comfortable getting a little rest. She’s sleeping soundly and the ice cubes in her cup have long since melted, so he makes a quick trip to the kitchen for a new glass of ginger ale, saltines, and another ice pack. He places the items on Donna’s nightstand and takes a few minutes to rub the ice pack across her brow. He hopes it will break her fever. 

Josh’s wrinkled suit is uncomfortable and he’s ready to get out of it, so he quietly makes his way across her room to the closet and pulls the small chain connected to the light bulb. Even though he hasn’t spent a lot of time at Donna’s place in several months, he knows she keeps clean clothes here for him. The gesture makes him smile. He reaches for his navy blue sweatpants on the top shelf, but knocks them to the ground in the process. Grabbing his gray t-shirt, Josh bends down to pick up his sweats, but freezes when his eyes land on an open box. Folded neatly, he recognizes his old Yale Law and Harvard t-shirts. He had given them to Donna on two separate occasions. The Yale shirt on the campaign trail when she had been dumped on by rain and had nothing to wear, and the Harvard shirt during their first year in office when they had worked late at his place and she spent the night on his couch. His heart drops seeing his t-shirts packed away in a box, but he swears he can feel his heart break when his eyes fall on the book spine nestled on the side of the box:  The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing .

And it’s at that exact moment he figures it out. He doesn’t know what he did, but he’s damn sure that he’s the one who hurt her.


	11. Later That Night

Josh leans back against the closet shelves, taking deep breaths. He focuses solely on inhaling and exhaling for about a minute; he cannot fall apart right now, Donna needs him. As much as he wants to make things better, to take away all of her hurt, he still knows that he needs to first focus on taking care of her while she's sick. 

He comes back from the bathroom, changed into his sweats, and takes a seat on her small chair, draping her grandmother's afghan over his legs. Every so often, he gets up and places one of the homemade ice packs to her forehead, doing whatever he can to make sure her fever stays down. And despite his best efforts to keep his mind focused on just her physical health for the moment, the box from the closet taunts him, a reminder that he hurt her deeply.

At some point, Josh drifts off, but awakes to Donna's whimpering. He's out of her chair and immediately at her side. He puts his hand to her forehead, not surprised to find her burning up. His heart thumps wildly when he takes her temperature and sees that it has crept back up to 102 degrees. He feels the anxiety in the pit of his stomach, but reminds himself that Mrs. Bartlet told him that her temperature would more than likely fluctuate.

Josh comes back in with another ice pack and finds her thrashing. He places it to her forehead, hoping it will relax her body and cool her off. 

“Josh”, she calls his name as her body continues to thrash. He’s not even sure if she knows he’s here, that he’s been here all this time, but the way she cries out his name pains him. She sounds scared, like she’s looking for him. Her body continues to flail, and she comes close to almost rolling off the bed. He worries that she’ll hurt herself, so carefully, he crawls into her bed. But as he’s settling in, her body jerks again and his hand comes in contact with her bare stomach. He feels like he’s going to throw up when he realizes again how thin she’s become. Her ribs feel like they are right there on the surface. He feels her body begin to calm when his hand touches her, so he carefully lays down behind her and pulls her close, keeping his arm wrapped around her. He feels the last bit of tension leave her body as she settles down, resting comfortably. It isn’t long before he feels her breathing even out, the rise and fall of her chest is rhythmic. He lays there wide awake, thinking about how skinny she is, he thinks about the box of his things in the closet, and finally he thinks about the words she muttered earlier incoherently:

“Not good enough. . . . 

Not professional.. . . . 

Not . . .” 

He keeps repeating the words, they had pricked his conscience earlier and they were pricking it now.

Then it hits him like a thousand volts of electricity as he suddenly realizes what he did that hurt her. Now he understands why she’s been distant, why his box of things is in her closet. He understands why those words pricked at his conscience.

He remembers their conversation in his office over a month ago as if it were yesterday:

_ "At least Amy is a professional. She seemed to understand. She even kissed me. On the steps. In lightly falling snow. Very romantic. We're off to a great start . . .” _

_ "And I shouldn't even tell you this since you aren't senior staff, but I did work out a deal for Leo with the Republican Wonder Kid. I guess your sleeping with the enemy worked out for us after all, so good job." _

Josh feels sick, he feels like his heart might explode in his chest. He had called her unprofessional, and the lingering anger he had then felt over Cliff and the diary reared its ugly head, destroying what was left of her self-esteem. Of course she wouldn’t want to be around him, and of course there would be a box of his things in her closet! He had treated her terribly and said horrible things, things he couldn’t take back. He hurt her deeply . . .  _ his _ Donnatella. 

And then he made it worse by throwing Amy in her face for weeks! Asking Donna to send Amy flowers, prattling on about her, and the worst part, asking her to make reservations for them. Here he was having fancy meals at Phoebe’s and Marcel’s when Donna was  _ barely  _ eating. It was his fault she was so thin. After everything she’s done for him,  _ this  _ is how he treats her?  _ This  _ is how he treats the woman he cares about more than anything?

He feels the tears prick at his eyes as he holds her close. Her body twitches and she moans painfully. He gently rubs her arm, hoping to soothe her. He knows her fever is still high and he’s so scared that her body might not be strong enough to endure it. He gets up and returns quickly with another ice pack, holding it to her forehead. He snuggles up behind her just as more words tumble out in her fever sleep:

“I’m nothing . . . not professional, not good enough . . .”

All Josh wants to do is comfort her, to reassure her. He continues to rub her arm as the words fall from his mouth, "Don't say that. I'm sorry Donna. I didn't mean it, none of those things are true. You are important, you are valuable, and you are loved." 

He freezes when he realizes what he just said:

Love. He loves Donna. He stops rubbing her arm and takes a moment to look at her. She’s perfect, absolutely perfect, and she’s been right there in front of him for years. Hell he’s probably been in love with her since the day they met, but he never let himself see her that way. But now he was absolutely seeing her that way, and he’s already broken her heart before he’d even realized that he’s in love with her. 

"I'm so sorry Donna. Please forgive me, I haven't had the chance to show you how much I love you yet." He knows she’s asleep, but he whispers the words to her anyway, hoping that she somehow hears him. Hoping that her heart can hear his.

He lays there for what feels like hours, letting his heart show his mind how much he loves the woman in his arms. He’s overwhelmed by the depth of his feelings in the best possible way. Loving Donna feels like the most natural thing in the world. 

He can only hope that she will forgive him. 


	12. The Next Day

Josh wakes up just as the sun is beginning to rise. His arm is wrapped around Donna protectively and she still feels warm. Even though she’s sick, waking up next to her sends a thrill through his body. He feels his heartbeat quicken, God he loves her! He again hopes that she can forgive him, and that she feels the same way. 

Despite wanting to stay in bed, Josh remembers his number one priority: take care of Donna- break the fever. The hardwood floor throughout the apartment is cold, sending a chill through his body. He wastes no time turning up the heat, his mind filling with concern as he wonders if she always has the temperature set low during the night. Was she having trouble affording heat? Donna had always joked about being a girl on a budget, but now he found himself wondering how much she really did struggle financially. Josh would be putting an end to that, that’s for sure. He doesn’t ever want to see her cold or struggling again.

He pulls the small chair up to her bed and places a washcloth to Donna’s forehead. It isn’t long before her body stirs.

“Josh?”

“Hey.” He keeps his voice soft.

“Josh, what are you doing here?” She blinks a few times and her tone reflects her confusion.

“I’ve been taking care of you. Seems like someone caught the flu.” He smiles, hoping to keep the mood light.

“Oh God, Josh. I’m sorry. I’m keeping you from work. This is such an inconvenience for you.”

“No. No you are not an inconvenience. Don’t worry about work.”

“It’s okay Josh. Thank you for taking care of me, but I’m sure you have somewhere else you’d rather be . . . I’m sure there’s someone else you would rather be with right now.” Donna’s words are barely discernible, but Josh still hears them clear as day. He feels like he's just been punched in the stomach. The way she said the words, the subtle way she put herself down causes an ache in his chest. 

“I’m where I need to be Donna, where I WANT to be.” 

“Oh.” Her voice goes quiet for a moment, before she asks tentatively, “What about Amy? I don’t want her to have another reason to be mad at you.”

“You have always been the most important person in my life, Donnatella. Amy has known that since day one, so she did me a favor and ended things last week.” He looks into her eyes, hoping she understands that his heart is hers, that it always has been. 

“I’m sorry you and Amy broke up. You seemed happy.” She’s starting to have trouble focusing on their conversation. He sees her blink, trying to fight the sleepiness that has reappeared. Her eyes look tired and sick, but she still looks like the most beautiful woman in the world.

“I’m not sorry and I wasn’t happy, just ensorcelled for a short amount of time.” He wants to tell her he’s sorry for the things he said, that he’s sorry for throwing Amy in her face, but mostly, he wants to tell her that he’s sorry for not being there for her when she needed him the most. He knows he needs to wait to tell her these things, even just a day, so that she can rest and feel better. 

“Your fever is still pretty high, how about some medicine?”

“K.” Her voice is quiet as she adjusts herself on the pillow while he adds a little medicine to the dosing cup.

Josh takes the cup back from Donna and helps situate her pillows as she lays back down. He sees her arm shake as she adjusts her body and he tries his best to not wear a look of concern. Her body is much weaker than it should be. 

“Better?” He asks after fluffing her pillows gently.

“Yeah . . . Josh?”

“Mmm?”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome Donnatella.” His smile is genuine and she returns it the best she can. They sit together in a comfortable silence for several minutes until he sees her blue eyes flutter, on the verge of sleep.

"I'm just going to lay here for a while." Donna hugs her body close. The chill from her fever causes her to shake. Josh hopes the medicine kicks in soon.

Carefully he sits on the side of her bed, tucking the sheets around Donna to comfort her. "Are you okay?" He whispers.

"Yeah. But I ..." Her words trail off as sleep takes over. "I don't feel good, Josh."

And If he hadn't been right there, he would have missed her words.

"I know Donna. I'm sorry." But she doesn’t hear him. Her breathing had steadied and her body had given in to the fight.

She was asleep.

………….

“How was your nap?” Josh asks as he puts the newspaper down and leans forward from his seat in her chair.

“Mmmm,” is all she responds as she takes a moment to snuggle down further into her blankets. Josh takes a moment to get another ice pack and gatorade.

“Are you hungry? I can heat up the chicken noodle soup or get you some toast. Here, small sips.” 

“I’m not hungry, but thank you.” Donna takes a couple small sips from the glass, enjoying the drink. Josh’s heart skips a beat as he sees the first sign of her feeling a little better.

“Please eat something, even just a couple of bites?” He gently pushes. She really should have something in her stomach.

“I’m really not hungry, Josh. I don’t think I could stomach food. I think I really would like to take a shower.”

“Ah-kay,” he agrees a little hesitantly. But as soon as he sees her eyes light up his concern diminishes. “HOLD ON A MINUTE!” He demands as she starts to move. “Stay there until I get the bathroom ready. And don’t plan on being in there too long, you’re still really weak. And this is going to be a tepid shower, we need to get that fever down, not send it up into the stratosphere. So don’t get all steamy in there.”

“You’re bossy. A bossy man. Just because you’re my boss at work doesn’t mean you can boss me around here.” 

Josh’s heart soars at the banter. 

“You like the word boss, you just used it four times.”

“I’m sick, leave me alone.” 

“I’ll get your shower ready.” 

He leaves her for a few minutes while he gets things in her bathroom situated and returns to her bedroom once the shower hits the right temperature. But when he sees Donna’s face he realizes they are about to have an issue. She’s looking a little green. Thinking quickly, he grabs the trash can that’s next to her bed and meets her halfway as she vomits. There isn’t much there, just a little bit of the gatorade, then a dry heave reflects that she really has no food in her stomach. He tries to not focus on that as he pushes her hair back with his free hand, then slowly rubs her back.

“I’m sorry.” She’s quick to turn away, embarrassed.

“Don’t be. You have no reason to be sorry. You’re sick Donna.”

“I’m a burden.”

“No you’re not. Let’s take your temperature. Say ahhhh.” He changes the topic quickly, he absolutely doesn’t want her to feel like she’s a burden. 

“Hey look at that it went down to 101.1. It was 102 in the middle of the night.”

“The middle of the night?!” 

“Yeah. You were burning up.”

“Josh, how long have you been here?” She looks around the room as if realizing for the first time she was in her bed and not the couch.

“Since yesterday afternoon.”

“Josh!” She says his name with every bit of energy she has left as she tries to sit up.

“Whoa, whoa, relax. Lay down.” He gently nudges her shoulders back until they hit the pillows and he sees her visibly relax.

“But Leo, he must . . .”

“He doesn’t. Donna we are so far ahead because of all your hard work. I don’t want you to worry about anything. I just want you to rest and feel better.”

“K.” She capitulates, satisfied with his answer.

“Umm, I want to be honest with you Donna.” He rubs his hand through his hair roughly, not quite sure how to bring this up. “Last night, you ummm, you weren’t doing well. I carried you to your bed so you were more comfortable and took your sweatshirt off because you were already too hot. I sat in the chair, but you were thrashing so much and came close to falling off your bed a few times, so umm I laid next to you and made sure you didn’t fall . . .”

“Josh, thank you for keeping me safe. I’m sure falling on the floor would have sucked.” His trepidation fades as he realizes what she’s telling him: she doesn’t mind that he slept next to her. 

“K, cuz ya know I was worried about it.”

“Don’t be. It’s fine.” They share a smile, then she adds softly, “I’m just gonna hop in the shower.” 

As soon as she tries to stand, Josh is right there to help.

“Lemme help you walk there. You haven’t eaten and you just got sick.”

“No. I got it. Thank . . .” Her words fade as she wobbles, and had he not been by her side, she would have fallen to the ground. He catches her and they both hold on tight.

“I’ve got you.” He whispers. And she doesn’t fight him. They stand there, and Josh just breathes her in. He’s missed their closeness. He’s not sure if she’s too tired to be mad at him for insisting that he help or if she really doesn’t mind his help. He hopes it's the latter.

………….

“Joshua Lyman for FLOTUS.” he announces into his cell from the kitchen. He didn’t want Donna to think he was going behind her back, but her lack of interest in food coupled with her fever alarms him enough to call Abbey Bartlet while Donna showers.

“Joshua?” She picks up about a minute later.

“Hi Mrs. B.”

“How’s our patient?” She knows exactly why he’s calling.

“She’s not eating. She’s weak. She has a fever. She’s . . .” He’s already pacing the room. “I tried to encourage her to eat, but-”

“I know. The flu is rough on the body.”

“But she isn’t eating. I know she doesn’t feel well, but Mrs. B I saw her ribs and she’s so thin. I don’t know what . . .” He doesn’t know how to say it. He’s at a loss for words.

“I know Josh. And I’m going to tell you something, but I don’t want you to fly off the handle.”

“Okay.” He feels his heart skip a beat, knowing he’s about to hear something he doesn’t like.

"Josh, this isn't the first time I've worried about Donna's weight. She lost quite a bit when you were in the hospital too. And she was very thin when she came back to us on the campaign. I've noticed that when things are extra stressful, she's less likely to eat."

The words “Eating Disorder” flash through Josh’s mind, even though Abbey doesn’t actually say them, and he instinctively knows that it’s true.

“How do I help?”

“For right now, you need to back off a bit Josh. I know you mean well and I know it’s hard, especially because this is Donna we’re talking about, but trying to push food on her probably won’t help.”

He hates the idea of Donna struggling, and of the idea of not being able to help, but he trusts Mrs. B.

“Okay. Okay I can do that.”

“We’ll help her together. She’s going to be okay, but this isn’t something that can be fixed overnight.”

“I know. Thanks Mrs. B.”

“You’re welcome. Thanks for taking such good care of her Josh.”

“Thanks, but I don’t know if I’m doing a good job.”

“You are. And Josh?”   
  


“Yes Ma'am?”

“Don’t you dare feel guilty about this. I know you. You’re feeling responsible for her weight loss, but you have no control over how Donna reacts to stress any more than she does over how you do.” He takes a deep breath, trying to believe what Abbey is saying.

“I’ll try.”

“I’ll accept that answer for now.”

“Goodbye, Mrs. B.”

“Bye Josh.”

………….

After her shower, Donna naps again for a long time. But when she wakes up she has a bit of an appetite and to Josh’s delight, consumes half a mug of chicken noodle soup and two saltine crackers. It’s not a lot but it’s a start. And it relieves a tiny portion of his guilt. When he thinks about all the times he was hard on her, the stressful deadlines and the bellowing, now he sees the containers of half eaten yogurts and unfinished salads in her trash can that accompanied them. And he can’t help but feel responsible for putting her in those situations. He doesn’t even want to think about how much weight she probably lost dealing with him after he got shot. 

He does his best to shove those feelings to the back of his mind and just focus on taking care of her right now. When night time falls her temperature is hovering south of 102. So he gives her another dose of medication and takes his place in the chair by her bed where he’d sat most of the afternoon. When he settles down, he feels Donna’s hand slide over on top of his.

“Josh?” Donna whispers a bit timidly.

“Yeah?” He answers softly, clasping his other hand on top of hers and gently stroking her skin.

She pauses so long he wonders if she fell asleep, but then he hears her sigh. “I’m just worried about rolling off the bed.”

A slow smile spreads across his face as he climbs in next to her.

“Don’t be scared. I won’t let you fall.”


	13. The Day After That

*****SATURDAY*****

Josh’s eyes slowly open as the first sliver of daylight hits his face. He blinks a few times, coming to awareness. He’s on his back. One arm wrapped firmly around Donna’s waist. Her body is pressed into his side, her legs tangled with his, and her head is resting on his chest.

He doesn’t usually spend the night with women. The few times he and Amy slept together they woke up on opposite sides of the bed with their backs to each other. In college he had a girlfriend that was a cuddler, but they always drifted apart in the night too. So waking up like this is a new thing. It’s amazing.

With his free hand he strokes Donna’s hair, rubbing the silky strands through his fingers. He could lay like this forever. He’s never felt more content in his life. As he continues running his hands through her hair, he listens to her breathing. It’s still a little raspy, but it sounds better than yesterday. He softly strokes her face, both for his own enjoyment and to check for a fever. She’s a little warm, but she’s not burning up.

He glances at the clock. It’s been more than 6 hours since her last dose of medication, so if she’s only running a slight fever that would be fantastic.

He continues tracing her profile with his fingertips. He can’t really see her face, but it’s burned into his consciousness. It’s a strange thing to realize, but with it comes a new understanding, he wants to do this again. He wants to wake up with this woman in his arms. He wants to enjoy mornings with her. He wants her to wrap herself around him. He wants her to trust him and sleep in his arms. He wants this. For the rest of his life.

After a few minutes she shifts in her sleep, and his arm automatically tightens around her, not wanting to lose the contact, not wanting to let go. She sighs happily and moves even closer to him, rolling so her thigh wedges between his.

His eyes widen as his body reacts to her movement. His hips push up involuntarily seeing the contact, but at the same time, guilt floods through him. She’s his assistant and she’s sick! What the hell is he doing?

As he lets go of her waist and rolls out from under her, she wakes up. She looks up with a smile until she sees his face, then her brow furrows and confusion fills her eyes.

“Josh?” She asks with uncertainty.

“Good morning, Sunshine.” He answers with false cheeriness. He doesn’t want to make her feel bad. None of this is her fault. “I’ll be right back.”

He slips out of bed and quickly walks to the bathroom. 

When he comes back into the bedroom, Donna’s sitting up, looking at her hands, which are twisting the sheets nervously. He feels like a jerk. She seems so small. He desperately wants to take care of her, but he doesn’t want to take advantage of her. He’s not sure what to do. He’s afraid he’s crossed a line and made her uncomfortable.

He takes a seat in the chair and watches her for a minute. She’s still not looking at him. Finally she looks up.

“I’m sorry.” She tells him softly. “I know you think you have to do this. But you don’t. I’m not your responsibility, Josh. I don’t want to be a burden.”

“You’re not!” He insists hotly. “I’m sorry you’re sick, but I don’t mind taking care of you. I don’t mind it at all.”

She looks unconvinced. “Are you sure? You looked pretty upset when I woke up.”

“I was feeling guilty. You’re sick and here I was, enjoying the moment. What kind of jerk takes advantage of someone who is drugged?”

She perks up a little, smiling. “You took advantage of me?” She looks under the sheet, she’s in pajama shorts and a t-shirt. Then she looks at his sweats and cocks her head a little.

“Not like that!” His voice rises. “Jesus. I wouldn’t do that. I just meant holding you and enjoying the way your body felt against mine.”

“You liked it?” She asks softly.

“You didn’t notice?” He asks, he thought his interest was fairly obvious. But she shakes her head. “Yes. I liked it. I’ve never felt like that before.”

A big smile blooms across her face and it fills him with hope. “I liked it too. It was a really nice way to wake up.”

They grin at each other for a minute, feeling the ground shift beneath them, but neither of them sure of what happens next. But eventually Josh remembers that she’s still sick and he’s got a job to do.

“Okay. It’s been a while since your last dose of medicine. Let’s check your temp.” 

“Are you gonna tell me to say  _ Ahhh _ again?” Donna quips as she opens her mouth slightly.

“You better believe it, Buttercup. Now say  _ ahhh _ .” She rolls her eyes but does as he says and together they wait for a moment until they the device beeps.

“101.2. We’ll take it. Let’s get you some more medicine in hopes that it continues to go down. Remember, I don’t want your temp blasting off into the stratosphere. What do you want to drink? Gatorade, water, ginger ale . . .”

“Actually I’m more hungry than thirsty.” 

His eyes light up at her admission. It really doesn’t get any better than Donna having an appetite after all the weight she’s lost.

“Yeah?! That’s great. What do you want to eat?”

“That soup was good. Is there any more of that?”

“Yeah, I had Sam bring a couple pints from Wisemiller’s.”

She beams at him. Wisemiller’s is his favorite deli in Georgetown. She used to pick it up for him when he was recovering. Knowing that he was doing the same for her fills her with joy.

“How about some crackers? Something to drink?” He asks urgently. 

“Maybe some saltines? And gatorade would be good.”

“Ahh-kay.” He hops off the chair in excitement. Red or blue?”

“Blue please.”

“Good choice. Very democratic of you.” He jokes, feeling optimistic about a little banter.

“And had I said red?” She gives him a look.

“Well naturally I would make some remark about your love of all things Republican.”

“Well maybe I will start drinking a different flavor.”

“No you won’t. I know you Donnatella, those are your favorites.” He calls out as he makes his way into the kitchen. He gives himself a minute to take in this moment with Donna. Everything between them is starting to feel good again. Better than good, actually. Amazing. 

After finishing a majority of her chicken noodle soup, Donna falls back asleep for most of the morning. Relaxed, Josh lays on Donna’s bed watching the Wizards game as she sleeps in his arms. He keeps the volume off and finds himself just looking at her. His fingers mindlessly thread through her soft golden locks and every so often, she snuggles deeper into him. Having Donna in his arms just feels right. He’s more content that he has ever been in his life as he breathes in her scent, that familiar calm that only she can bring washes over him. 

He finds himself getting a little sleepy, and it’s not long before he turns the tv off and lets himself close his eyes.

O0o0oo0oo0oo

“Mmmm.” Donna stretches, the shadow of sleep lifting as she opens her eyes, and Josh is instantly aware that she’s uncomfortable. 

“What do you need?” He asks gently, placing his hand on her side.

“I feel hot.” Her admission causes Josh to immediately pull the sheet back and place his hand against her forehead. She’s really hot. Not quite burning up the way she was yesterday, but he can see the discomfort in her eyes.

When he starts to take his hand away, she whines. “No, don’t. Your hand feels nice Josh, it’s cool.”

He smiles, leaving his hand against her brow, and using the other to brush back her hair.

“Do you want an ice pack?” 

“No, just this, Just you, Josh.” She whispers as her eyelids flutter. But a few minutes go by and she starts to squirm. As much as he loves touching her, he knows his hand really isn’t enough. Her forehead probably isn’t the only part of her body too hot. It might not be a smart decision but he decides to be bold.

“Roll over.”

When she opens her eyes and meets his, he’s almost overwhelmed at the amount of trust in them. After all that’s happened between them in the last few months it’s not what he would expect, but it fills him with pride. He vows to himself that he’s going to do right by her from now on. If she gives him her trust, he won’t let her down.

She rolls to her side and he slips his hand under the back of her shirt. He’s right. She’s burning up. But she sighs softly as he gently runs his hand over her spine and up her side, using all his self restraint not to stray around to the front and discover the hidden wonders of her breasts.

The heat rolling off her skin quickly has him concerned. If he doesn’t do something more her temperature is going to spike again.

“I’ll be back in just a minute.” He whispers, removing his hand and standing up.

In the bathroom, he runs a washcloth under cold water and then grabs the Motrin. When he comes back to her bedroom, Donna is on her back again with her arms thrown over her head. Her eyes are closed and her t-shirt is riding up on her belly.

Josh runs the washcloth over her stomach and her eyes drift open.

“Does this feel good?” 

“Mmmhmm.” She lets out a deep sigh and Josh swears he could stay here forever. As he gently caresses her, he wishes that he could explore her smooth skin with his hands. He’s well aware of what this is doing to his body, but ignores the throbbing sensation that’s building in his groin.

And for the next several minutes, he runs the cloth over her arms, and down her legs, cooling her off and heating himself up. They take the time to look at one another, not speaking any words, but saying everything with their eyes.

By the time the washcloth is no longer cool, Donna seems to be feeling better. She sighs against her pillows, relaxing again. 

Josh hates to break the spell, but he doesn’t want her to fall asleep quite yet.

“Time for some more medicine.” He insists.

“Alright.” She agrees, content for the first time in a long time.


	14. The Following Day

*****SUNDAY*****

“I can’t believe we are watching this.” Josh shakes his head as he settles next to Donna on her bed.

“It’s my choice Josh.”

“Okay but why do you get to choose?” 

“Because I’m sick.”

“Yeah okay, but then you’re probably gonna fall asleep anyway, so I should get to pick.” He smiles, satisfied with his argument as he outstretches his arm so that Donna can lay against his chest. 

“Are you comfortable?” He asks a little while later as they both enjoy the closeness.

“Mmm.” Donna sighs as she burrows just a little more into his side. God, he loves how she feels in his arms. They could have been doing this for years! 

“Twenty bucks you don’t last 15 minutes,” he chortles, patting her shoulder.

“Are you kidding? We’re watching “A Garden Without a Rose”, of course I can last more than 15 minutes,” she rolls her eyes playfully. And while Josh is well aware that she has the willpower to stay awake, he really doesn’t want her to. He wants her to get plenty of rest. He’d noticed this morning that the circles under her eyes were beginning to fade. Her fever had broken yesterday, after he had lathered the cold washcloth all over her body. Since then, her temperature had been hovering around 99.7. Still warm, but out of danger.

“That’s a terrible name for a movie. And what does that even mean? A Garden Without a Rose. Plenty of gardens don’t have roses.

“Oh and how do you know?”

He shrugs. “Well I don’t, for sure. But a vegetable garden doesn’t have roses.”

“Well if this movie were about a vegetable garden Josh, it would probably be called “A Garden Without a Tomato. Although a tomato is technically a fruit so maybe not . . .”

“I hate tomatoes.” 

“I know. That’s why I specifically chose tomatoes instead of a carrot.” Her voice is full of mirth and he loves it. It feels like they’re friends again. 

“Just to get a rise out of me?”

“Just to get a rise out of you.”

…………

“Oh, how long was I out?” Donna asks as she looks at Josh with sleepy eyes.

“Oh long enough for me to find out that the garden did in fact have a rose.”

“See? That’s why I love these movies. There’s always a twist.

“How often do you watch this channel?” He chuckles, rubbing her shoulder gently.

“Oh more often than I care to admit. It’s mindless so it helps me wind down, especially if I’m stressed.” Josh’s heart thumps wildly at her admission, the word “stress” immediately makes him remember his phone call with Abbey.

“And umm does the movie ya know, help with the uhh stress?” His fingers play with long tendrils of hair splayed across his chest. He takes a deep breath to calm himself. 

“Yeah. It’s a nice escape for a few hours.” 

“Good. I heard you have a slave driver of a boss, so next time he overworks you, let’s end the night with a corny movie.” He smiles. Maybe these movies weren’t so bad, if they made Donna feel better. And hell he would watch them whenever she wants, if it means that he gets to spend more time with her, and on a bed for that matter.

“You have to bring the snacks.” 

“I will bring all the snacks Donna. Everytime.” 

He doesn’t even know how to express his happiness. She’s suggesting snacks and it makes his heart soar.

She gives him a big toothy grin and he feels as light as air. “Speaking of food, what would you like for dinner?

“I am kinda hungry.” Donna admits, then she smirks and pokes him a little. “Are you cooking?”

“Be serious.” He quips back with an eye roll. “We’re ordering take out. Pizza or chinese?”

When her nose wrinkles he wants to smack his forehead. Of course, neither of those are probably a good choice for her. 

“Get whatever you want.” Maybe I’ll just have a yogurt.” She suggests.

“No, no, no.” He quickly interjects. “You need more than that. You’ve hardly eaten anything this whole weekend. I can have Sam bring some more soup from the deli.”

“I don’t want to inconvenience Sam.” She counters.

“He won’t mind. He’ll be glad you’re feeling better.” She looks unconvinced, so he pulls out the last resort. “I could make scrambled eggs.” He offers softly.

Her eyes light up. “Really?”

“Yes.” He answers softly. Eyes locking with hers. He hopes she can see that he’d do anything for her. Even cook.

“Alright.” She agrees getting lost in his eyes for a minute. But then her mouth quirks up. “This I’d like to see.”

“Okay, Miss Sassy. Let’s go.” He agrees, standing up and then taking her hand and helping her up off the bed.

Once she’s upright he leans in and places a quick kiss on her forehead. 

Her heart starts to beat rapidly. She’s not really sure what’s going on. Yesterday morning it seemed like he was attracted to her, but today things have been purely platonic. And she’s thrilled that it seems like their friendship is back on track, but honestly, she can’t help but hope for more. 

“Your forehead doesn’t seem too warm.” Josh breaks into her thoughts. “But tell me if you start to feel hot, okay?” 

“Okay.” She quickly acquiesces, still feeling happy from his unexpected gesture.

He leads her into the kitchen, still holding her hand, and she feels like she’s floating.

o0o0ooo0o0o000

Josh turns out to be a good cook. His eggs are light and fluffy. He also whips up some pancakes while she sits at the table and watches in surprise.

He serves her way too much, so she hasn’t eaten that much when he sits down with his plate.

He frowns just a little and she’s puzzled. Then she realizes that maybe he thinks she doesn’t like it.

“This is really good, Josh.” She reassures him, taking another bite. “I didn’t know you could cook.”

He relaxes and smiles at her. “I’m almost 40 years old. I’ve been living on my own for 2 decades. I’m not a great cook but I can make some basics. Pancakes, eggs, grilled cheese. Pasta.”

“Pasta?” She inquires as she scoops up some more eggs. She’s getting full but she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings.

“Spaghetti or Macaroni from a box. Sauce from a jar. Nothing I’d want to admit to your Italian grandmother.” He laughs.

She grins back. “Well, don’t tell my Nonna, but I get my sauce from a jar too.”

“Your secret’s safe with me.” He assures her with a conspiratorial grin.

When they are done, he puts the plates in the sink, and leads her back to the couch, insisting that he’ll do the dishes later. Again she’s stunned, but she’s feeling a bit tired now.

He sits in the corner of the couch with his feet on the coffee table, the remote in one hand, and his other arm across the top. He looks perfectly at home and she doesn’t even think about it before sitting right next to him and snuggling into his side.

He smiles to himself and wraps his arm around her. This feels so right. He flips through the channels, past the 24 news stations, stopping on a rerun of a sitcom. 

They watch the first episode mostly silently, laughing at the right spots but not really talking. Her mind is pleasantly fuzzy, but he’s thinking.

He really likes this feeling, but he has a nagging feeling that he should talk to her about her weight. As he’s thinking about what to say, his hand sneaks its way under her t-shirt and strokes her side. He loves the feel of her soft skin, but the fact that he can count her ribs bothers him.

“Mmmm, that feels really good.” She murmurs softly.

“You do feel good,” he agrees. “But you’re so thin. I’m worried. You need to eat more.”

Donna stiffens at his words, then sits up, scoots back. “I eat enough.” She tells him flatly and he can tell he’s struck a nerve.

In a way he wishes he could take it back, hating that the mood seems spoiled. But here they are, and if it’s spoiled anyway then he might as well go for broke.

“No. I don’t think you do. You’ve hardly been eating anything for the last few months. This weight loss isn’t just from the flu.”

Her cheeks flush. “So I lost a little weight. It’s no big deal. Geez! Most guys like skinny girls.”

“I like you just like you are.”

“No you don’t! You just said I was too skinny. I swear! I can’t do anything right!” She jumps off the couch and strides into the kitchen towards the sink, turning on the hot water and squirting some soap into the basin.

He sighs deeply before getting up to follow her, feeling completely out of his league. He really should have talked to Dr. Bartlet before he did this, but he doesn’t want to leave things where they are, with her upset.

In the kitchen, he watches her furiously scrub the dishes. There are only 2 glasses, 2 plates and a frying pan so it doesn’t really take any time.

“Donna, I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to criticize you. I’m just worried about you. Mrs. B noticed that it seems like you lose weight when you’re under stress because you don’t seem to eat. And I know I’ve stressed you out lately. And I’m sorry that you couldn’t come to me. I’m just sorry.”

The tension falls from her shoulders at his apology. She turns around to face him. “I can’t bring all my problems to you, Josh! It’s not your job to fix them!” She tells him a bit dejectedly.

“Why not? I WANT you to bring your problems to me. I WANT to fix them!” He insists.

She gives him a small, sad, smile. “You walk around with so much guilt, you want to fix everyone’s problems.”

“That’s not what this is, Donna. I swear, this is different. You’re different.” He reaches out, gently grasping her small wrist in his hand and tugs her close. 

They stare into each other's eyes, and her heart starts to stutter as she sees something smoldering in his. Slowly, he takes her face in his hands, and it feels like she stops breathing as he leans down to kiss her.

He starts softly, his lips just barely brushing against hers, testing for resistance, making sure it’s something they both want. She moves closer to him, tilting her head up in permission, offering herself to him.

He deepens his exploration, moving his mouth firmly over hers, establishing control as she melts into him. His hands slip off her face and travel down her body, one arm wrapping around her waist to trap her against him, while the other grabs her backside bringing their centers into contact. She smiles as she feels the effect she’s having on him. There’s no doubt that he wants her. She feels a surge of power, as she reaches around him to mirror his action, grabbing his butt with both hands and pulling him harder into her, welcoming the feeling that washes over her.

He breaks off the kiss, “God, woman, you’re killing me. We’d better stop before I sweep you up and take you into the bedroom and completely ravish you.”

She smiles against his lips. “Why would I want to stop you from doing that?” She inquires, giving him a little squeeze and moving her hips in a way that makes his eyes roll back a little in his head. But he inhales deeply through his nose and moves a half step back.

“Because you have the Flu and I’m not sleeping with you for the first time when you are under the influence of medication! I want 100% certainty that this is what you want.”

“Okay,” she pouts a little, “but I promise you, I’m 100% certain. And I haven’t had any medication for four hours!” 

She flounces out of the room and Josh growls low in his throat and has to grab the counter to keep from chasing after her. He pinches the bridge of his nose for a minute before he heads back into the living room. This hasn’t gone at all like he expected. But at least he has a pretty good idea that she likes him.

“Speaking of medication.” He greets her, holding up the thermometer. “We should probably check and see how you’re doing.”

She nods but sticks out her lower lip in the most adorable pout. Does she know what she does to him?

“99.1” He announces with a grin once it beeps.

“That means I don’t really need any medication.” She declares glancing towards the bedroom suggestively.

“Maybe we should talk some more?” There’s nothing he’d like more than to make love to her, but he doesn’t want to screw this up. If he does this right, he could end up with everything he’s ever wanted.

She sighs, “Okay.”

"You scared me." He admits softly.  He takes her hand and rubs the tops of it with his thumb. "I love you. And seeing your body like that ... it scared me." He falters for a second before continuing, "Donna listen to me." 

She looks into his eyes and in that moment, she realizes what he just said.

"Wait.. . did you just say you love me?" She asks in disbelief.

His dimples pop out as he starts to smirk, rolling his eyes, "See, I told you, you never really listen to me."

"I'm sorry. Can we go back to that? What do you mean? I don't understand."

"I love you. You are the most important person in my life. Seeing you sick, it's the worst thing ever."

"Yeah. I know the feeling."

He pauses, remembering what Abbey said. “Yeah. I guess you do. Mrs. B said you lost a lot of weight then, too. I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”

She chews on her bottom lip. “It’s not on purpose.” She finally confesses. “I just can’t eat when my stomach is all tied up in knots.”

“And that happens a lot.” The way he says it isn’t a question. It’s a statement of fact. They both know it’s true.

She nods.

“Do you remember how you felt a year ago Christmas? You could see that I needed help.”

She nods again, her eyes filling with tears. 

“I think you need some help. But I’ll be with you the whole time.”

“You will?”

“Yeah, you see, . . . a man fell into a hole . . . “

She smiles softly at him, she’s heard this story before. But it fills her soul, because he’s making a promise and she knows he’ll keep it.

“Anyway. Therapy really helps me. Would you think about talking to someone?”

She’s a little scared, but knowing he’s going to support her gives her the courage she needs to say “Okay.”

At her agreement his shoulders relax. He feels much better. So he leans over and gives her a little chaste kiss.

"Josh, you're gonna catch the flu. . .” 

“I don’t care. ”

“You say that now . . .”

“I promise, I don’t care.” He kisses her again to make his point. It seems to have the effect on her he was hoping for.

Donna looks into his eyes and sees the truth of what he’s saying. These aren’t just words and she’s not overreacting, with that her heart begins to heal.

“I love you too, Josh, and if you get sick, I’ll take care of you."

“You always do Donnatella. You always do.”


	15. Epilogue: One Year Later

“So,” Josh asks almost as soon as she comes out the door, gives him a peck on the lips, and loops her arm through his, “how’d it go?”

“You ask me that every time!” She laughs, joyfully.

“Because I always want to know.”

“It went great.”

“I can tell. You’re smiling and laughing.”

“If you can tell, why do you ask?”

“Because I want you to know that you can tell me. If therapy makes you feel good. If it makes you feel bad. When it makes you want to smack me for being so stupid, whatever, I want to know. Ya know?”

“I know.” She responds softly.

He gives her a few minutes as they walk down the quiet Georgetown street, he’s learned from his own therapy that a bit of silence can be good, to give the other person a chance to say what’s on their mind, once they know that they’ll be heard.

“It’s been a great year with you, Josh,” she starts while squeezing his hand in reassurance. “But it's also been a hard year. I’ve had to face some things about myself. Like my tendency to punish myself for things I’ve overreacted to. Like that time in your office. I thought that you barely tolerated me, that I couldn’t measure up to Amy, and that I’d never be worth your attention.”

Josh has to bite his tongue not to interrupt, and it’s a testament to his own progress.

She sees the look on his face and grins a little, knowing what he wants to say, because they’ve been over it before. “OH! I know, it wasn’t all just me overreacting, you were kinda an asshole. But it wasn’t all your fault. We just didn’t communicate well.”

He gives a little nod. Happy that she’s putting some of the blame on his shoulders and not heaping it all on herself.

“But getting through this hard stuff, it’s been worth it, because I don’t like the idea of having an eating disorder, but knowing about it means I can do something about it. And having someone supporting me, makes all the difference.”

He stops on the sidewalk and pulls her close, before leaning down and gently kissing her. “I love you so much. Supporting you is the least I could do after all you’ve done for me. Without you, I wouldn’t have survived.”

She shushes him and then returns the sweet kiss before looping her arm back through his and continuing their stroll. He doesn’t stop when they reach the townhouse, instead passing by. “It’s a nice day for once, let’s walk to the park.”

Donna nods her agreement, happy to get some fresh air on a rare warm February day.

At the park he steers her towards a fountain that holds bittersweet memories for them. They come here a lot, determined to replace bad memories with good ones.

They sit on “their bench” in silence for a few minutes, then Josh starts to speak. “A year ago, everything changed. When I found that box in your closet, it broke my heart. But it turned out to be a good thing. Because seeing all the little things that represented what we mean to each other, and knowing that you were about to shut it all away, well, it made me realize just how important you are to me and how much I took you for granted. And how much I love you. And well, I’ve got a new box for you.”

He slips off the bench and down to one knee before her, holding up a little black velvet box. “Donnatella, I don’t ever want to live without you. Will you marry me?”

“Yes! Of course!” She shrieks jumping to her feet and pulling him up off his knees and planting her mouth on his for a kiss that leaves nothing to be guessed about how she feels about him.

When they finally break apart, he flips the box open, pulls the ring out, and slips it on her finger.

She looks down and gasps at the perfect one carat round antique diamond in a delicate, intricate setting. 

“Josh, it’s perfect. I love it!”

“It was my grandmother’s. They were married for fifty years. She told me the secret was knowing how the other person made you better. You are the strongest person I know, Donna your strength fills in my weaknesses. I’m better when I’m with you.”

“Josh,” she sighs, her eyes welling with tears. “Some days I don’t feel very strong or very brave. But you help me find my courage. I’m better with you. I love you so much.”

He wipes away the lone tear that escapes before sealing their engagement with a passionate kiss.

  
  


THE END.


End file.
